In Search of the Perfect Investment

Who knew that Apple could do so well in its latest quarter — without selling me (or anyone in my family) a single new iPhone?. We’re all antediluvian, still happy with our iPhone 5.

Our family is hooked on iPhones because of one feature — Photostream. Take a photo or a video of a grandchild. Dump it into Photostream and instantly everyone and their uncle (literally) receive it and can comment on it. I won’t repeat the comments. They include “My , she has grown.”  From yesterday, no less.

Photos and videos arrive in the middle of night, when we’re at the theater, having dinner, playing tennis. It’s endless, and totally wonderful.

I think you can also make phone calls on iPhones, but who wants to when you can watch your grandkids growing up — without having to confront dirty wet stinky diapers? It’s all very educational, too. I now know what a blowout is.

I will buy an iPhone 6 Plus shortly for two reasons. The screen is larger. The grandkids will look even more handsome — though they are the handsomest grandkids in the entire world. It’s easier for alta kakas (like me) to read emails, books and to surf the web on the phone. The iPhone 6 is also much much faster. Try one at your local Apple store. You’ll be surprised at how fast it is. If you’re impatient and irritable (like me), the iPhone 6 or 6 Plus is your phone.

Finally, the whole thing with Verizon is annoying. My two-year “contract” on my iPhone 5 has long expired. But there’s no reduction in my monthly Verizon bill. So, heck, I may as well whack them for another “subsidy” on a new iPhone 6 Plus.

My “theory” on the high prices I pay for services I like — like Verizon wireless and Whole Foods is to pay through the nose, but make it up by owning the stock. It’s working with Apple and Whole Foods. But not with Verizon (which fortunately I don’t own).

New fees everywhere. Every financial institution and their uncle is hitting us with fees, fees and more fees. UBS hit me with a $75 fee for them to return three wires (total $250,000) they were too lazy to figure out which of their clients the money was for.

Interactive Brokers is charging me $20 a quarter for “other fees.” I don’t make this up. That’s how they described the fee on the latest paperwork they sent me. I called them. They admitted they (a) hadn’t told me they were levying the fee, and (b) what it is was for.Something about “account maintenance.”

At one stage I had $100,000 with them as a test of an allegedly impressive investment advisor. But after a year of totally desultory returns (i.e. he made nothing, except excuses) I dumped him. His favorite excuse? “You invested with me at the wrong time.” Eventually I figured that there never was a “right” time to invest with him. I’m deliberately refraining from mentioning his name, because he’s young and maybe he’ll learn that clients are precious and not to be treated like drek.

Interactive Brokers told me last night it was my advisor’s responsibility to tell me about the $20 fee and help me close down the Interactive Brokers account which he made me open. So far, my “advisor” has shirked that responsibility.

Dumb eFax. For eons, they have a provided a fax service for $9.95 a month. I can receive faxes at their number. They make them a PDF, attach them to an email and send them to me. Useful service for when I’m traveling. This week they bump it to $16.95 a month. No explanations. No extra benefits. Nothing. Just extra money for them.

I call them. Wait an eternity on hold. Eventually they “discover” they have a service for $4.17 a month which suits me just fine! Dumb.

The outsourced economy. Got a task you need done? Amazon has something called amazonmechanicalturk.

You give them a task and one of their freelancers will solve it. Their web site is here.

The Economist recently did a cover piece on “Workers on Tap.” They mentioned a bunch of companies. Click here.

There are zillions of companies to outsource your tasks to — including ones that will deliver your groceries (we use FreshDirect) to ones that will code your new software to TaskRabbit, which we’ve used and largely love. Click here.

 All the simplest computer and mobile tips. David Pogue used to be the brilliant New Tork Times technology writer. Then he got lured away to Yahoo and I don’t read him any longer.  He’s written a book which tells how to do the simplest and most useful tasks on your phones and computers — like saving your battery on your iPhone or Android, or saving your phone when you drop it in your toilet or how to bypass the stupid voice mail message:

Verizon: Press *

AT&T: Press #

Sprint: Press 1

T-Mobile. You don’t need a keystroke. Its phones don’t play an instructional recording.

Writes David,

If you want to do the world some good, change your greeting to “Hi, this is Harry. Press star to hear the beep and leave your message.”

Great idea. worth the price of the book.

The book is:

It’s available on Amazon. Click here.

The Australian Tennis Open continues to keep me awake all night. It’s on ESPN2 and the Tennis Channel.

Berdych’s fiance didn’t come through yesterday. Here she is.

Classic Irish stories

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

‘Did you see the paper?’ asked Gallagher. ‘They say I died!!’

‘Yes, I saw it!’ replied Finney. ‘Where are ye callin’ from?’

++++

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, ‘Sir, have you been drinking?’

‘Just water,’ says the priest.

The trooper says, ‘Then why do I smell wine?’

The priest looks at the bottle and says, ‘Good Lord! He’s done it again!’

Harry Newton. Heh. Let’s hear a loud “thank you” for my recommendation on shorting Petrobras. It’s not too late to short IBM.