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I snag a pair of Apple AirPods and some more AAPL.

A charming Apple story

After Susan, said, “Get your own pair.”

Reason: She’s so in love with her AirPods, she wasn’t sharing hers with me.

So, yesterday after tennis, I floated over to the local Apple Store. “Sorry sir, we’re all sold out of AirPods. And so is every Apple Store in Manhattan.”

Oih! But I’m ingenious. I beatled over to the local BestBuy, bargained them down 99 cents and snagged a pair

My new, real, genuine AirPods are really good — much better than all the cheap knockoffs I bought at Amazon — but also a lot more expensive.

Apple is probably the cheapest tech stock around.

This is Apple over the last year:

Finance Yahoo says Apple’s P/E is 13. And its dividend yield is 1.95%. It’s hard to see it falling further. I snagged some more Apple shares this morning.

I put some money here yesterday. 

The rate is better than a slap in the belly with a cold fish.

And the bank is FDIC insured.

Saying NO to overseas investing

You can always earn oodles of money in exotic locales.

My father earned 13% a year once in Mexico until the peso devalued.

I once traveled to Istanbul with an American real estate syndicator looking to syndicate in Turkey. We stayed at a fantastic hotel:

We had a bang-up time doing all the touristy things — the mosques and the Bosporus.

Thank God, I never invested in turkey.. Look at the mess they’re in now.

For eons, I’ve wanted to visit Saudi Arabia. Their new boss, Mohammed bin Salman, wants me (and everyone else) to invest and help him modernize the place. I can earn lots of money. Of course, they don’t like Jews or infidels (I’m both). But the investment returns are enticing. Or were until I read this:

Click here.

To read also:

Sacklers Directed Efforts to Mislead Public About OxyContin, New Documents Indicate
A filing in a Massachusetts lawsuit contains dozens of internal Purdue Pharma documents suggesting the family was far more involved than the company has long contended.

They’re the same Sacklers who’ve given millions to museums all over the country. You often see the Sackler wing when you visit a museum. To read the disturbing piece, click here.

Don’t bring fruit into the U.S.

+ My friend brought two mangoes in from Brazil. They have the best mangoes in the world. He got caught. Now he’s in some government database.

+ My other friend picked up an apple in a local JFK airline lounge and brought it through JFK customs. Or he tried to. Now he’s also in some government database.

These are serious offenses, according to the customs officials and their smelling dogs. I don’t make this stuff up.

I love Quora. 

Subscribers ask ridiculous questions and subscribers write answers. Here’s my favorite — in its original long-form. It’s funny.

Q: What is the most catchy conversation you’ve eavesdropped on?

A: After Mona and I split up, I took off down to our Mexican beach house with the dogs, Zeus and Apollo. I told her she could keep the house in Dallas. I’d keep place in Mexico. And everything was fine until that woman decided she missed her dogs. She and her gay best friends Steve and Mark got drunk and decided I was a jerk for taking her babies so far away. So they were gonna come snatch the dogs back. If she’d just called, I would have sent them. But they were on a tear and decided nothing would do but to jump in her convertible and hightail it down to Mexico like Thelma and Louise. And Louise. I don’t know how they fit three grown people in that car, I guess someone was squished in the back or two people shared the passenger seat. However they did it, it must have sucked for someone.

Y’all, it is a long ass haul from Dallas to the Mexican border and then another few hours to our beach place from there. But somehow they managed to keep up their righteous fury for a good 15 hours, arriving at the beach house spitting mad I would steal poor little Zeus and Apollo from their momma that way.

I was hanging out on the front porch drinking a beer when Mona screeched to stop in that little convertible, gays hanging out all over the place, all of them wearing headscarves and sunglasses.

She starts screeching at me: “Joe! You a-hole! I’m taking Zeus and Apollo and don’t you try and stop me! Steve and Mark came with me to make sure you give them back, you g-d- dog snatcher you!!!”

Now y’all I hadn’t stolen the dogs. She’d told me she was too stressed to deal with them when we split and insisted I take them when I left. I really didn’t care one way or another. They were nice enough, but I’m just not much of a pet person and I was tired of picking up sh*t.

“Mona – why didn’t you just call me? I have business in Houston next week. I could have just met you there and brought them.”

This stopped her rant.

“You mean I can have my babies?” She started crying y’all. I’m not lying.

“Hell, Mona. I never even wanted to get dogs. Of course you can have them back.”

I opened the door and the boys came charging out to love all over Mona and she says, “Well. I’ll be heading out then.” and loads the dogs in that tiny convertible.

What I have neglected to mention is Apollo and Zeus were huge bull mastiffs. Mona and the dogs fit in the car. No room anywhere for Steve and Mark. Apparently Mona hadn’t told those guys either. They were expecting toy poodles or Pomeranians or some small yappy thing. They stood there at the curb in shock as Mona tore off in that tiny car with her dogs.

“Well boys. I hope you have some good friends to come pick your as*es up. You can ride with me up to Houston next week if you can’t figure out how to get home before then. And you’re gonna have to sleep on the porch — there just ain’t room inside. I ain’t being mean. This place ain’t that big — just one room that’s the living room/bedroom area, a kitchen, and a bathroom. Y’all can use the bathroom and kitchen.”

Those poor dudes ended up sleeping on my porch for almost a week `til I went to Houston. Nice guys, ol’ Steve is a hell of a cook. We sometimes meet up for beers when I get through Dallas. They don’t talk to Mona anymore.

They’re playing the 2019 Australian Tennis Open on the Tennis Channel

Nadal is playing as I write this. He plays better than I do.

There are three things you have to do to play tennis well:

+ Run fast.

+ Have great hand/eye coordination.

+ Be super aggressive. As Nadal says, play every point like it’s the last you’ll ever play.

Jackie Mason favorite

My grandfather always said, “Don’t watch your money; Watch your health.”

So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money.

It was my grandfather.

Harry Newton, who lost at tennis this morning.