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8:30 AM EST Friday, August 11, 2006: The Middle East explodes, with no solution in Lebanon, Iraq, Afghanistan, or anywhere.

Timothy Leary (and the Kingston Trio) sung:

They're rioting in Africa
They're starving in Spain
There's hurricanes in Florida
And Texas needs rain.
The whole world is festering with unhappy souls.
The French hate the Germans, the Germans hate the Poles
Italians hate Yugoslavs, South Africans hate the Dutch
And I don't like anybody very much.
But we can be tranquil, and thankful and proud,
because someone has invented a mushroom-shaped cloud.
And one lucky day, someone will set the spark off and we will all be blown away.

Today I'm leaving for a week bicycling with my son in Europe. The good news is that at 24 he's still willing to spend time with his Daddy (especially if his Daddy pays). This means my next column will be the morning of Monday, August 21. We will be traveling by plane (sadly). By way of apology for my absence, I'm leaving you a parting gift -- a story for today's time.

The Gay Flight Attendant and The Princess
The flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who put everyone in a good mood as he served food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told everyone that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane, so lovely people, if you could put your tways up, that would be dewicious."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed a well-dressed, Arabic woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines," he said, "but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us down onto the gwound."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."

To which (and apparently this is 100% true), the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet- cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray up, Bitch."

How to stay young (and survive the next 10 days without Harry) by George Carlin
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay "them "

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets,keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

Always remember: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

From Harry: Stay well. Hug the spouse, the parents and the kids. Exercise. And back up your hard disk. I'll see you Monday, August 21.

This column is about my personal search for the perfect investment. I don't give investment advice. For that you have to be registered with regulatory authorities, which I am not. I am a reporter and an investor. I make my daily column -- Monday through Friday -- freely available for three reasons: Writing is good for sorting things out in my brain. Second, the column is research for a book I'm writing called "In Search of the Perfect Investment." Third, I encourage my readers to send me their ideas, concerns and experiences. That way we can all learn together. My email address is . You can't click on my email address. You have to re-type it . This protects me from software scanning the Internet for email addresses to spam. I have no role in choosing the Google ads. Thus I cannot endorse any, though some look mighty interesting. If you click on a link, Google may send me money. Please note I'm not suggesting you do. That money, if there is any, may help pay Claire's law school tuition. Read more about Google AdSense, click here and here.
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