My chip has landed
Along with my Moderna booster shot, they probably injected a tiny microchip. I have done some “research” and here’s what my chip can do for me, now that I’ve downloaded the necessary apps from Apple’s App Store.
+ It can tell Bill Gates what are all the passwords to all the pornographic video channels I subscribe to. That will save him big-time.
+ By placing my iPhone on my left shoulder, it can read me the password that I need at that moment. It has a much better memory than I do. I do have to refill the chip every six months and for that I check in at one of the many Bill Gates Password Protection clinics that are sprouting up next to Tesla charging stations across the road from Apple stores.
+ It can tell my doctor whether I’m alive or dead. And hence whether his latest experimental drug worked. It saves him checking the morgue or the hospital. This gives new meaning to artificial intelligence.
+ The chip will monitor all the sex drugs I take. There is hope that at least one of them will work (none have so far) and hence which should be marketed to the American public. The medical theory is that if it works on a case as far gone as me, it should work on the rest of the American public. Heavy duty marketing research.
+ It will tell me who to vote for come next presidential election and it will cease protecting me if I choose the wrong candidate.
+ If I die, my chip will continue voting from my grave for the correct candidate.
+ It will guide my arm to produce the best down-the-line backhand.
I wrote the above nonsense because I’ve been inundated with readers unhappy with my getting the Moderna booster. Some said I was not entitled to the Moderna booster. Some said I didn’t need it. Some said the chip would kill me. And some said they were annoyed that I had somehow gamed the system.
I repeat: I filled in the form on the CVS web site. Then I went CVS at my alloted time and they gave me the shot. I thanked them and went home, feeling a little groggy.
Maybe I didn’t need the booster shot and my previous two were still effective? Maybe. Maybe. My logic was simple: I didn’t know. But, to my brain, it seemed that there is zero downside to getting the booster shot. It’s all upside. It’s now three days after my booster shot. I feel great. I’m going off to play tennis.
I’ll finish this blog when I get back. Meantime, don’t get too excited about today. End-September is a bouncy time of year. Good for tennis. Bad time for stocks.
— Harry Newton
