In Search of the Perfect Investment

You wonder why Fidelity even bothers. I’m a Fidelity client. I use their online brokerage services. They’re pretty good. As a reward they offered me (and all their other clients) shares in Twitter. All we had to do was to find our way around their web site,  fill in their paperwork, hit the right buttons, and spent major time on their web site. And my reward this morning?

Are you waiting? Drum roll…

They gave me not one single share.

Not one single share.

Fidelity must be dumber than a bag of hammers. It turns out they only got 89,500 shares to allocate to their clients. So why bother offering them to everyone, and then pissing everyone off?

Why not just call up their favorite clients (the ones they actually did give Twitter shares to)  and say “We’ve got 100 shares for you.”

So how do I become their favorite client? I called this morning. Their people told me Fidelity gives shares based on the business I do with them, how profitable I am for them, how much I’ve got with them and how long I’ve been with them.

I questioned. “I’ve got $5.5 million with you. That’s more than the bulk of your clients?”

“Yes, that is. The bulk of our clients have under $1 million,” guessed Fidelity’s Stephen Doucette.

“So what do I have to do to get in on the next hot IPO?” I asked.

“There’s no set answer. I don’t have a good answer,” said Doucette. “But we definitely appreciate your business.”

They really don’t.

“Who got the shares?” I asked.

“I don’t know,” replied Fidelity’s Doucette.

What a miserable way to run a business.

P.S. I’m also a client of Goldman Sachs but they told me years ago they’d never ever ever give me a single share of an IPO — hot or cold — because of the nasty and horrible things I’ve written about them in this column over the years. (They actually read this column.)

Maybe it’s time to write something nice about Goldman? Heck if they can buy Washington politicians, why not me, too?

I’m probably cheaper.

29 Stocks Traders Are Shorting Like Crazy. From today’s Business Insider:

This year has been a rough year for traders shorting the stock market.

In fact, the most heavily-shorted stocks have been outperforming the S&P 500.

Still, the shorts are holding strong and waiting patiently to clean-up when stock prices fall.

In our latest list of stocks traders are shorting like crazy, some popular targets have fallen off. For instance: Best Buy, Netflix, and First Solar, who have each recently appeared in this space, are out.

Instead, short sellers seem to have shifted their focus to oil, gas and raw materials stocks, which continue to face exposure to falling prices.

There do remain some old standbys in for-profit education and retail.

We ranked the stocks by short interest as a percentage of floating shares.

Kudos for Washington. Finally intelligence in Congress.

The Affordable Boat Act
The U.S. government has just passed a new law called: “The Affordable Boat Act” declaring that every citizen MUST purchase a new boat, by April 2014.

These “affordable” boats will cost an average of $54,000-$155, 000 each. This does not include taxes, trailers, towing fees, licensing and registration fees, fuel, docking and storage fees, maintenance or repair costs.

This law has been passed, because until now, typically only wealthy and financially responsible people have been able to purchase boats. This new law ensures that every American can now have an “affordable” boat of their own, because everyone is entitled to a new boat. If you purchase your boat before the end of the year, you will receive 4 “free” life jackets; not including monthly usage fees.

In order to make sure everyone purchases an affordable boat, the costs of owning a boat will increase on average of 250-400% per year. This way, wealthy people will pay more for something that other people don’t want or can’t afford to maintain. But to be fair, people who can’t afford to maintain their boat will be regularly fined.

Children (under the age of 26) can use their parent’s boats to party on until they turn 27; then they must purchase their own boat. If you already have a boat, you can keep yours (just kidding; no you can’t).

If you don’t want or don’t need a boat, you are required to buy one anyway. If you refuse to buy one or can’t afford one, you will be regularly fined $800 until you purchase one, or face imprisonment. Failure to use the boat will also result in fines.

People living in the desert, ghettos, inner cities or areas with no access to lakes are not exempt. Age, motion sickness, experience, knowledge, and lack of desire are not acceptable excuses for not using your boat.

A government review board (that doesn’t know the difference between the port, starboard or stern sides of a boat) will decide everything, including; when, where, how often, and for what purposes you can use your boat. They will also dictate  how many people can ride in your boat, and determine if one is too old or not healthy enough to be able to use their boat. They will also decide if your boat has outlived its usefulness, or if you must purchase specific accessories (like a $500 compass), or a newer and more expensive boat.

Government officials are exempt from this new law. If they want a boat, they and their families can obtain boats free, at the expense of taxpayers. Unions, bankers and mega companies with large political affiliations are also exempt.

After that email went around my investment friends yesterday, I sent everyone a followup email:

I hear Jews are lobbying for an Affordable Circumcision Act.
Fortunately, I don’t need to sign up.
I can provide visual proof, should anyone be interested.

Five minutes later someone emailed:

I have a boat and a circumcision.   I win.

Harry Newton who apologizes for the screw-up on the emails, which may or may not be continuing. Suffice I’m throwing money and energy at solving the problem. Dealing with programmers is not easy. They tend to do what they want, not what you want. This morning I’m even having sympathy for the Sibelius lady who really screwed up www.HealthCare.gov.