In Search of the Perfect Investment

Every day I intone on which stocks to buy and sell.

Easier: Buy index funds and save the time.

Muriel comes in once a week to help me with my investor stuff.

Yesterday she exclaimed,  “Your stocks did exactly what your Vanguard index funds did so far in 2013 — 23%.”

Dah!

I’ll tell you which Vanguard funds tomorrow.

This morning, I’m wasting my time spending $7,500 (yes, you read right) at the Robin Hood Investors Conference at the Sheraton Hotel Times Square (which is, of course, nowhere near Times Square). Fortunately, all my $7,500 goes to charity. So I get to listen to some of the best investment managers pick stocks for me.

More tomorrow on the stock picks.

The shame of American health care. It’s really awful. We pay more and get less. This New York Times piece sums it all up. Click here.

Back to the art market – Part 5 or 6. This is the can of sardines I keep on my desk.

Moishe sold the can to Chaim for $2. Chaim sold it to Peter for $4. Peter sold it to Harry for $8, who sold it to John for $16, etc.

Eventually Yankele bought the can for $64. One Sabbath evening, Yankele proudly produced and presented the can to his family. Sadly, the can was rancid.

Yankele was pissed. He traced the can back to Moishe. “How could you sell this fraud?”

Moishe retorted, “You schmock. That can was not for eating. It was for trading.”

Now think back to what you’ve recently read in this blog on the art market — especially the contemporary art market.

Latest techie tips

+ Your printer is busted. Easy to fix. Buy parts and a do-it-yourself video at FixYourOwnPrinter.com. Their people are helpful and will, like many Internet sites, save you a little money if you talk to them directly.

+  Comcast is much beloved by investors, but not by its users because it charged like a wounded bull. Lately it started charging Michael $8 a month for the rental of a cable modem which it had previously given him for free.

Solution: Craigslist. Michael bought a second hand one for $15 and will return Comcast’s newly pricey modem today. You can also buy Comcast modems on Amazon for $49.99. Click here.

+ There’s no way to delete all your emails on your iPhone — except by deleting them one by miserable one. That is so dumb!

+ Every time Apple upgrades the software on its iPhones wastes an hour or two of your time. That is even dumber. You don’t have to upgrade each time Apple does. Also, Apple often screws up updating the iPhone, especially if you’re using iTunes on Windows. So, don’t “upgrade” every time it asks.

+ Norton Internet Security is the absolute best protection for your email client — e.g. Microsoft’s Outlook. Norton Internet Security has saved my tushy on a million occasions. I love Norton Internet Security.

+ I’m no longer impressed with Apple’s new iPad mini retina display. It’s too expensive and it’s horrible to type on. It’s too small. It’s neat to read a book on. But Amazon’s new Paperwhite is better, is much cheaper and has better note-taking.

+ Stop buying extra cables. They always change everything. What you need these days are HDMI cables. Amazon has cheap, quality ones. don’t buy cables retail.

+ The iPhone 5S runs rings around all the Android phones. It’s much easier to use — especially when it’s not “upgraded” constantly.

Why COSTCO is such a great stock. Here’s the first reason:

Here’s the second:

One day, in line at the company  cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d  better see a Doctor.”

“Listen, you don’t have to spend  that kind of money,” Mike replies

“There’s a diagnostic Computer down  at Costco. Just give it a urine sample & the computer will tell you what’s  wrong and what to do about it.

It takes 10 seconds and costs 10  dollars – A lot cheaper than a Doctor.”

So, Joe deposits urine sample in a  small jar and takes it to Costco.

He deposits 10 dollars and the  computer lights up and asks for the urine sample… He pours the sample into the  slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer  ejects a printout:

“You have tennis elbow. Soak your  arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity.. It will improve in 2 weeks. Thank  you for shopping @ Costco..”

That evening, while thinking how  amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be  fooled.

He mixed some tap water, a stool  sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife+daughter & sperm sample  from himself for good measure.

Joe hurries back to Costco, eager to  check the results. He deposits 10 dollars, pours in his concoction & awaits  the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your Tap water is too hard. Get a  water Softener. (Aisle 9)
2. Your Dog has Ringworm. Bathe him  with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a Cocaine  habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins.  they aren’t yours.. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with  yourself, your elbow will never get better

Thank you for using Costco.

Harry Newton, who will kill the next salesman who calls and says “Did I catch you at an OK time?“