I was raised “orthodox” Jewish. In Australia that meant going to synagogue twice a year — Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur.
I couldn’t understand one word of the long, boring service I was forced to sit through.
Neither could any of my friends.
We spent the time in synagogue telling each other jokes. Here are some of the better ones:
The Talking Parrot
Meyer, a lonely widower, was walking home one day wishing something wonderful would happen in his life, when he passed a pet store and heard a squawking voice shouting out in Yiddish,”Quawwwwk…vus machts du?”
Meyer rubbed his eyes and ears. Couldn’t believe it. Perfect Yiddish.
The proprietor urged, “Come in. Check out this amazing parrot…”
Meyer did. An African Grey cocked his little head and said: “Vus? Kenst sprechen Yiddish?”
In a matter of moments, Meyer had placed five hundred dollars on the counter and carried the parrot in his cage away with him. All night he talked with the parrot. In Yiddish. He told the parrot about his father’s adventures coming to America. About how beautiful his late wife, Sarah, was. About his family. About his years of working in the garment district. About Miami.
The parrot listened and commented.
They shared some walnuts.
The parrot told him of living in the pet store, how lonely he would get on the weekends. They both went to sleep.
Next morning, Meyer began to put on his Tfillin, all the while saying his prayers. The parrot demanded to k now what he was doing and when Meyer explained, the parrot wanted to do the same. Meyer went out and had a miniature set of tfillin hand made for the parrot.
The parrot wanted to learn to daven and learned every prayer. He even wanted to learn to read Hebrew.
Meyer spent weeks, teaching the parrot, teaching him Torah. Meyer came to love and count on the parrot as a friend and fellow Jew.
One morning, on Rosh Hashanah, Meyer rose and got dressed and was about to leave when the parrot demanded to go with him. Meyer explained that Shul was not a place for a bird, but the parrot made a terrific argument, so Meyer relented and carried the bird to Shul on his shoulder.
Needless to say, they made quite a spectacle, and Meyer was questioned by everyone, including the Rabbi and the Cantor. They refused to allow a bird into the building on the High Holy Days, but Meyer persuaded them to let him in this one time, swearing that the parrot could daven. Wagers were made with Meyer.
Thousands of dollars were bet that the parrot could NOT daven, could not speak Yiddish or Hebrew, etc.
All eyes were on the African Grey during services. The parrot perched on Meyer’s shoulder as one prayer and song passed – Meyer heard not a peep from the bird. He began to become annoyed, slapping at his shoulder and mumbling under his breath, “Daven!”
Nothing.
“Daven..parrot, you can daven, so daven…come on, everyone is looking at you!”
Nothing.
After Rosh Hashanah services were concluded, Meyer found that he owed his Shul buddies and the Rabbi over four thousand dollars.
He marched home, so upset he said nothing to the parrot.
Finally several blocks from the Temple the Parrot began to sing an old Yiddish song, as happy as a lark.
Meyer stopped and looked at him.
“Why? After I had tfillin made for you and taught you the morning prayers, and taught you to read Hebrew and the Torah. And after you begged me to bring you to Shul on Rosh Hashana, why? WHY?!? Why did you do this to me?”
“Meyer, don’t be a schmuck,” the parrot replied.
“Think of the odds we’ll get on Yom Kippur!”
Yom Kippur is in ten days.
A Jewish divorce
A New York City judge is presiding over the divorce proceedings of a Jewish couple.
When the final papers have been signed and the divorce is completed, the woman thanks the judge and says, “OK. Now I have to arrange for a Ghet.”
The judge inquires what is a ‘Ghet’.
The woman explains that a Ghet is a religious ceremony which is required under the Jewish religion in order to receive a divorce that is recognized by the Jewish faith.
The Judge says, “You mean it’s a religious ceremony like a Bris?”
“Well,” she replies, “Yes, it’s sort of similar to a Bris, only in this case you get rid of the entire prick.”
Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur
On the morning of Rosh Hashanah as the congregation was filing into the sanctuary, Rabbi Feldman noticed little Jacob standing in the foyer of the synagogue staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it. The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the rabbi walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, ‘Boker tov, Jacob. ‘
‘Boker tov, Rabbi Feldman,’ he replied, still focused on the plaque. `Rabbi Feldman, what is this?’ he said, pointing to the plaque.
The good Rabbi tenderly put his arm around Max’s shoulder and said, ‘ Well son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service. ‘
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque.
Finally, little Jacob, in a voice barely audible and trembling with fear asked:
‘Which service, Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur?’
And, finally a contemporary one
Donald Trump was asked if he could quote any Bible verses.
He answered: Trump 20:16, “Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.”
“Deport him and you won’t have to feed him ever again.”
Harry Newton who advises investors to sell on Rosh Hashanah and buy back on Yom Kippur. Or is it buy on Rosh Hashanah and sell on Yom Kippur? I’ll fell you in ten days time.
Susan, sadly, has a cold. Should we feed it or starve it? I bet she’ll be OK in ten days time, whatever she does.
Happy New Year.
Hillary Clinton was asked if she/it could quote any Bible verses.
He answered: Bubba 20:16, “Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.”
or…
“Take in all illegals, bankrupt your citizens in their support, then make all of them your slaves”
Sad that from a line of former slaves, you, as a Jew, would so foolishly embrace this she-Pharoah.
This is far more true that your pathetic meme.