In Search of the Perfect Investment

Yellen raised interest rates ever so slightly, as she had long promised. No surprise.

She did because the economy is strengthening, she said.

The market tumbled a little – but much much less than it has recently risen.

One super-eminent observer wrote,

We are convinced that the Fed will do nothing to take the punchbowl away as Trumponomics takes hold.

Our investor meeting today became fascinated with the huge potential of drones — for aerial photography — and the even greater potential of artificial intelligence — for driverless cross-country trucking. Drones are remarkable. They can return to the exact spot they shot the photo from last year. They can follow you around., filming your ever movement. They can even shoot underwater. Here’s one video. There are many more on YouTube.

Important stuff 

+ You need a full body scan with your dermatologist. I have a friend who went in for something on his head. The doctor checked it, then suggested a full body scan. He found a melanoma on my friend’s back. Another friend didn’t check the thing on his back with a dermatologist. He used a family doctor. The “thing” was advanced melanoma, which had spread inside his body. He died several months later. I don’t make this stuff up.

+ CHECK. CHECK. CHECK. Did you attach the attachment in your email? Did you spell check your email? Did you check your numbers? The chief financial officer of a bank just sent me the number $2,657,800,793. When I questioned him and his verkakte number, he said he really meant $265,780,793 and then explained, ‘Sorry, and thank you for seeing the error. I “fat fingered” an extra zero.’ I don’t make this stuff up.

 + Don’t do stupid. Watch where you stand. A friend stood in the wrong place in an underground parking garage. A tiny fellow driving a huge SUV didn’t see him and clobbered him, wrecking his back. When outside, watch the traffic, not the lights. Always buckle up in Uber or a taxi. A friend ended in hospital because his taxi hit another taxi in Central Park, and my friend wasn’t buckled up. He in ER for days. Remember you’re old. The next time you break something, it won’t repair itself.

+ Always back up your work before you leave for home or a meeting. A flash drive or two work perfectly fine.

+ Depressed about Donald? Watch Taylor Swift’s Shake It Off. You’ll be in good company — 1,785,394,747 views so far.  That means one in four people on the entire planet have seen this wonderful video. She’s arguing to young girls to shake off the horrors young men foist on them. Stop being depressed. They’re only bad men. Click here.  

+ Before you send your friends (like me) fake news, check Snopes.com. Or ask yourself does it make sense? Is Hillary really running a child molesting ring out of a Washington, DC pizza shop?

+ Call your cable TV and cellphone provider and say “I’m paying too much. I will only pay x (what I’m paying now) minus 25% or I’ll go elsewhere.” Then watch them drop your monthly bill faster than a whore’s drawers — Australian expression.

There’s nothing more boring than being lectured on your health.

So, now for the boredom.

The number one killer in the U.S. is heart disease.

If you want to lessen your chances, do four things:

1. Stop smoking.

2. Get thinner.

3. Do exercise.

4. Eat better: More nuts, fruits, vegetables, whole grains, fish, dairy. Eat less refined grains, processed meats, sugar-sweetened beverages, unprocessed red meats, trans fats and sodium.

Want more? Read Simple Life Changes to Help Prevent Heart Disease. Click here.

Favorite recent New Yorker cartoons

Harry Newton, who once upon a time invented a new industry called “computer telephony.” It gave the tired told phone serious computer smarts. We changed the world. And produced such wonderful gems like this answering machine recording in a psychiatrist’s office. Please play it. It’s hysterical. Click here: