They send me forms. They ask me to print them out, fill them in (by hand — no less), scan them, and send the mothers back attached to an email.
I’m too old. I’m too crabby. I don’t need this.
You want my money. Then move into the 20th century.
Buy yourself a copy of Adobe Acrobat X and make forms I can fill in online.
Here’s how you make fillable forms — this is not rocket science.
+ Write your form in Microsoft Word.
+ Save it as a PDF.
+ Open it in Acrobat Standard X.
+ Go to Tools/Forms, then create fillable form.
+ Save it.
Bingo, you can now send me a PDF by email which I can fill in, save and return.
No printing. No scanning. No lousy handwriting. No messing up.
Don’t even think about asking me for money if you can’t send me Fillable PDFs.
Today the market is going up
I don’t know why.
Maybe because it went down yesterday.
My favorite prediction of the week:
Morgan Stanley’s chief equity strategist, Michael Wilson is telling everyone to dump all their stocks NOW!
He has two reasons:
+ EPS growth is terrible — only 1.3% to 3.5% in the first three quarters of 2019.
+ GDP hit of $11 billion from our recent government shutdown.
In my humble opinion, (IMHO, for short) he’s full of dog doo-doo.
I restrained from illustrating my opinion with a dog doo-doo emoji.
How big is Uber?
Imagine the software, telecom and cloud storage services they buy!
The Polar Vortex is coming your way
Tips:
+ Raise the temperature in your home to 2 to 4 degrees above your normal setting.
+ Take all programmable thermostats out of setback mode and set on a permanent hold.
+ If you have a furnace; replace the filter.
+ Keep garage doors closed.
+ Limit opening exterior doors.
+ Make sure air vents and radiators are not blocked or obstructed.v
+ Boil water, make soup, or stews; Helps add humidity and make you feel warmer.
+ Do not not use your oven or a grill to heat your home.
Don’t buy Whirlpool washing machines and/or dryers.
I’m sick of fixing our Whirlpools.
LG are much better.
Don’t ever buy a top loading washing machine. They’re convenient. But they get unbalanced and stop.
I’m too old to keep unbalancing wet loads of heavy towels.
That gives boring a whole new meaning.
How do people reach you?
Badly, I’m guessing. You never answer your phone. Your voice mail message is too long. You don’t read your emails. And worse, you can’t spell.
Two tips:
+ Shorten your message. “Leave me a message.”
+ Get your office phone and your cell phone to ring simultaneously — at the same time. That way I can always reach you.
How to beat the Chinese
The commanding officer at the Russian military academy gave a lecture on Potential Problems and Military Strategy. At the end of the lecture, he asked if there were any questions.
An officer stood up and asked, “Will there be a third world war? And, will Russia take part in it?”
The general answered both questions in the affirmative.
Another officer asked, “Who will be the enemy?”
The general replied, “All indications point to China.”
Everyone in the audience was shocked. A third officer remarked, “General, we are a nation of only 150 million, compared to the 1.5 billion Chinese. Can we win at all, or even survive?”
The general answered, “Just think about this for a moment. In modern warfare, it is not the quantity of soldiers that matters but the quality of an army’s capabilities. For example, in the Middle East, we had a few wars recently where 5 million Jews fought against 150 million Arabs, and Israel always won.”
After a small pause, yet another officer – from the back of the auditorium asked, “Do we have enough Jews?”
Do we still have ….?
The eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination.
The doctor said, “You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Green, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?”
“Just a minute, I’ll have to ask my husband,” she said.
She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out:
“Bob, do we still have intercourse?”
There was a complete hush. You could hear a pin drop.
Bob answered impatiently, “If I told you once, Irma, I’ve told you a hundred times.What we have is BlueCross!”
Her final wish
An elderly woman died last month.
Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote,
‘They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive,
I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.’
Harry Newton, who did something awesome this morning. But he’s forgotten it — at least for now. Hence, I’ll suffer an un-stroked ego all day. I can’t imagine what Donald has been through recently.
Pleased to see the Polar Vortex is coming YOUR way as we enjoy cool 70s here in Phoenix “Valley of the Sun”. Could have a few showers by the weekend to aggravate the Phoenix Open.
Harry…i have a top loader and it you lay the towels evenly around the agitator, your washing machine will not get jammed.
Until you turn it on.
Harry I noticed that on your last two columns you say we are in the 20th century but we have been in the 21st century since January 1 2001. Always enjoy your columns. Regards – Gary
By saying people should move into the 20th century, I’m trying to indicate how backward they really are. It’s artistic licence.
I understood that but saying the 21st century would have also worked and been accurate – whatever
No. No. No. It wouldn’t have. 20th century means they’re even more backward.
Harry, congrats on New York’s new Abortion Law. I’m sure you and your family are thrilled.
Harry, where’s RBG?………
Roe v Wade WILL BE OVERTURNED!!!!!!!!!
Screw you Backward thinking liberal scumbags.