We made it to Christmas.
Our bodies have held up. We didn’t do too stupid. Our stocks have held up. We haven’t panicked and sold too many of them. They keep coming back. So will BABA, I’m guessing.
My (and only) Christmas advice
When do you last visit a dermatologist? It’s amazing how a tiny thing (aka mole, skin imperfection) can become something big and eventually kill you.
Take your face and your ears seriously. I have had chunks cut from my ear. My nose got nitrogen zapped this morning. My nose is not looking good. Though it never did look good. Ask my kids.
I had a dear friend who had a mole on his back. He ignored it. His primary care physician dismissed it.
Six months later my friend was dead. He was young. I don’t make this serious stuff up.
My best Christmas stories
One year, I bought mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
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Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope…
Can you please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched.
He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.
The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God
All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those b*stards at the post office.
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Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
‘In honor of this holy season’ Saint Peter said, ‘You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.’
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ‘It’s a candle’, he said.
‘You may pass through the pearly gates’ Saint Peter said.
The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ‘They’re bells.’
Saint Peter said ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’.
The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ‘And just what do those symbolize ?’
The Irishman replied, ‘These are Carols.’
The Christmas Season begins.
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The El Al Flight to Israel
An El Al flight lands in Israel and the stewardess gets on the loudspeaker with the usual announcement:
“We have landed at Tel Aviv Ben Gurion Airport. Please remain seated until the ‘fasten seatbelt’ sign is off, and please do not use your cellphones until the plane stops completely and the captain announces that it is ok to use them.
On behalf of the flight crew I would like to wish all of you a “Happy -Hanukkah” – — as well as “Merry Christmas” to those who have remained seated and are not talking on their cellphones.
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The best Christmas investment advice
The 98-year-old Mother Superior lay dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable. They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.
One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.
Back at Mother Superior’s bed, they held the glass to her lips.
The frail nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.
As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.
“Mother,” the nuns asked. “Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us.”
Mother Superior raised herself in the bed, looked at them and said: “Don’t sell that cow.”
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A husband’s romantic thought
A couple were Christmas shopping.
The shopping centre was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said, “Do you remember the jewellers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn’t afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?”
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, “Yes, I do remember that shop.”
He replied, “Well, I’m in the pub next door.”
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A friend told the blond man: “Christmas is on a Friday this year.”
The blond man thought about it, then said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”
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There will be no Nativity Scene in Washington this year.
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States’ Capital this Christmas season.
This isn’t for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the nation’s capital.
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I’ve enjoyed writing this blog this year. I hope everyone has enjoyed and profited by it.
If you’d like to send me your favorite Christmas story, I will be most appreciative.
I’ll see you next week. — Harry Newton
