It’s payback time. The insitutions made big money on Alibaba (BABA). Now they have to eat new deals, some of which will be terrible. And they’ll lose money on most of them. (It’s a game. You are expected to take everything, and on balance make a profit. Here are eight deals (some IPOS, some secondaries) coming today. MMLP, MDLY, CYBR, CFG, ICL, SFS, AVNR and GLOG.
Your new iPhone 6 needs a sturdy case. In Australia, they’re calling the iPhone’s flimsiness “bend-gate.” Buy yourself a seriously sturdy case for your new iPhone 6.
Rosh Hashanah, Jewish New Year, begins tonight at sundown. Jews will go to synagogue tonight and tomorrow. They will spend their time telling each other jokes. To help, here is some material for this celebration:
The hired help:
Rastas and Moses are outside the synagogue on Rosh Hashanah.
They hear a strange sound.
Rastas: “What’s that sound?”
Moses: “Why that’s the sound of the Jews blowing the shofar.”
Rastas: “Boy, them Jews really treat their hired help well.”
It happened in schul (synagogue)
A Rabbi approaches a guest in Shul and says, “I’d like to give you an Aliyah. (A paid blessing.)
What is your name?”
The man answers, “Esther ben Moshe.”
The Rabbi says, “No, I need YOUR name.”
“It’s Esther ben Moshe,” the man says.
“How can that be your name? That’s a woman’s name.”
The man answers, “I’ve been having financial problems, so everything now is in my wife’s name.”
High holiday perks (Rosh Hashanah is a high holiday)
Two little old ladies were attending a rather long Shul service.
One leaned over and whispered, “My tuchas is going to sleep.
“I know,” replied her companion, “I heard it snore three times.
Who will be the lucky one?
A Jewish woman goes to see her Rabbi and asks, “Yankele and Yosele are both in love with me, who will be the lucky one?”
The wise old Rabbi answers, “Yankele will marry you. Yosele will be the lucky one.”
The Rabbi’s Thank you present.
A Jewish congregation in suburban Toronto honors its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid.
When he walks into his hotel room, he finds a beautiful nude woman lying on the bed. She greets the Rabbi with, “Hi, Rabbi, I’m a little something extra that the President of the shul arranged for you.” The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of the shul and shouts, “Greenblatt, what were you thinking? Where is your respect? I am the moral leader of our religious community! I am very angry with you and you have not heard the end of this.
“Hearing this, the naked woman gets up and starts to get dressed.
The Rabbi turns to her and asks, “Where are you going? I’m not angry with you.”
Ethnic health
The Italian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have wine.”
The Frenchman says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have cognac.”
The Russian says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have vodka.
“The German says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have beer.”
The Jew says, “I’m tired and thirsty. I must have diabetes.”
Jewish philosophy
+ If a married Jewish man is walking alone in a park and expresses an opinion without anybody hearing him, is he still wrong?
+ My father says, “Marry a girl who has the same belief as our family. But, Dad, why would I marry a girl who thinks I’m a schmuck?”
+ Jewish telegram: Begin worrying. Details to follow.
And finally, something you always wanted to know
Q: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
A: Because Jewish women don’t like anything that isn’t 20% off.
Harry Newton, who is celebrating today’s holiday and reminds his readers that every Jewish holiday celebrates three things: They tried to kill us. They failed. So, let’s eat.
