In Search of the Perfect Investment

Ellsworth Kelly is one of America’s foremost modern artists:

He lives in Spencertown, NY, where I have a country house. I told his assistant, Jack Shear, that it was my birthday. I didn’t like birthdays.

Jack said “Ellsworth didn’t either.”

Wheat did Ellsworth like? I asked.

Replied Jack, “Gallery openings.”

Ellsworth is 92. He’s in his studio every day producing even more remarkable wonderful art.

Last night I went to an Ivy.com event featuring Jack and Suzy Welch, who are peddling their latest book:

Jack is 80, bubbly, talented and funny.

Today is my birthday. And the stockmarket is up, but not as much as it was down earlier in the week.

I never worried about the stockmarket before. I had a mission. It was to grow my business.

Then I sold it. And there was no mission.

Playing tennis, writing this column and mismanaging my portfolio is no substitute for a “mission.”

As of today, I have a new mission: I’ll finish fixing my Dictionary, update its Apple app, and finish my book “In Search of the Perfect Investment” by Christmas.

Sadly, this will also mean fiddling around with investments I can’t control — and hence, don’t provide any satisfaction.

Yesterday Apple was down. I bought some. Today it’s up. I made a few shekels. I’m happy? No, I’d rather own an Ellsworth Kelly. Today’s Apple profits won’t go anywhere near buying that little bobble. Shucks.

Ivy.com is a really neat social/educational operation (now in six cities). It’s for millennials who want a continuing college experience, but broader — gallery openings, charity events and lectures — like last night with Jack and Suzy Welch. There had to be 500 people in the audience (including me) hanging off every word:

+ Always over-deliver.

+ Make your boss smile.

+ Ask questions.

Actually it was more substantive (and funnier) than that. For more, read the book.

If I were between 25 and 35 (I wish) I’d join Ivy.com. It’s continuing education plus great socializing. I hear of several Ivy marriages. I met one woman last night who met her current boyfriend through Ivy.

I was the second oldest person at Ivy last night — Jack was the first.

Learn more about Ivy at Ivy.com. Please join if you’re in one of their cities.

The IRS phone call

One hour and 35 minutes later, I learned that what was bugging the IRS was that someone had changed my street address from 50 Central Park West to 50 Central Central Park W.

The good news was they weren’t suing me for $234 million. They’re a little too anal for my taste.

The Irish Birthday

Paddy had long heard stories of an amazing family tradition. His father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy’s 18th birthday came, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ….and nearly drowned!

Mick pulled him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother ..

“Grandma,” he asked, “Tis me 18th birthday, so why can’t I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?”

Granny looked deeply into Paddy’s, troubled blue eyes and said,”Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December, when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya idiot!”

Harry Newton who is 73 today, and has at least another 20 years of productive, frustrating life.

Why don’t I own Netflix? I guess because they never have the movies I want to see. What a dumb criteria for buying stocks — my own dumb, idiotic, non-normal preferences! Look what I missed this year: