Passover begins tomorrow night — that’s Wednesday April 5.
It’s a major Jewish holiday celebrating the Israelites’ escape from slavery in Egypt. The family gathers around a dining table filled with inedibles (see below) to remind them of how awful it was escaping the Egyptians.
There are three parts to a Passover celebration:
+ They tried to kill us.
+ They failed.
+ So let’s eat.
It’s also an evening when the jokes are played to the captive family audience. Samples:
+ Moses and the Israelites leave Egypt, travel the desert, finally to reach the Red Sea.
Moses calls for his VP Engineering. “Build me a bridge.”
VP replies: “No bridge. We’re in the desert. Look around. No wood. No steel.”
Moses calls for his VP Sales. “Go back. Work a deal with the Egyptians.”
The VP sales returns an hour later, “Sorry, boss. No deal. They want us dead.”
Desperate, Moses calls VP Public Relations. “Yankele, what do we do?”
Yankele responds, “See that rock. Stand on it. Lift your arms. Ask God to open the Red Sea. He will. Take your Israelites through the gap. When you get to the other side you’ll notice another rock. Stand on it. Wait for the Egyptians and their chariots to fill the gap. Raise your hands. Ask God to close the gap. Make the waters to flow. He will. Your enemies will be destroyed and you can pass on safely to The Promised Land.”
Skeptically, Moses, asks “This gonna work?”
Yankele replies, “I don’t know. … But if it does, I’ll get you three pages in the Old Testament.”
+ A blind man and a Jew are sitting on a park bench eating their lunch.
The Jew shares his matzo with the blind man.
The blind man runs his fingers across the matzo and exclaims, “Who wrote this crap?”
+ Now for the kids,
Why did the matzo quit his job?
Because he didn’t get a raise
And finally,
+ Ten signs you might be at a Republican seder (Passover dinner).:
10. They refuse to answer the four questions without a subpoena.
9. They demand a re-count of the ten plagues.
8. They defend not increasing the minimum wage on the grounds that according to Chad Gadya it still costs only two zuzzim to buy a goat.
7. The afikomen is hidden somewhere in the Cayman Islands.
6. They refuse to open the door for Elijah until they see his immigration papers.
5. They attack Moses for negotiating a deal with Pharoah because why would we negotiate with our enemies?
4. They don’t understand why the Egyptians didn’t cure the plagues with hydroxychloroquine.
3. They omit the parts about slavery because it reminds them of Critical Race Theory.
2. They keep saying “When do we get to the miracle of the Jewish space lasers?”
And the number one sign that you might be at a Republican seder:
1. They end the seder by singing “Next year at Mar-a-Lago”
This is called the Seder Plate:
It’s filled with stuff to remind you how horrible the Jews’ flight from Egypt was.
