In Search of the Perfect Investment

The economy is terrible. No jobs are being created. So we keep interest rates low and print more money –$85 billion of it each month.

This makes the stock market boom — viz yesterday.

The dollar plummets. Gold spikes.

Go figure.

There are skeptics. Many of them. This can’t last, they say. Every day they intone their gloom and doom.

Yet, the market continues up.

In fact, it’s so good that Blind Freddie could make money in this market — just throw darts at “hot” companies — those they rant about on BubbleVision.

It’s self-fulfilling. No one has the time to do the research — for fear they’ll miss another day like yesterday.

My God, even Cramer’s picks are working. Even more amazing, so are mine.

Priceline (which I don’t own) hit $1,000. It’s a Cramer fav.

Its P/E ratio is only 33. Maybe I should buy some today?

My hottest stock is Wendys. I don’t quite know why. I never eat there.

Its “cheap” but expensive. Its P/E is 38.6.

I bought some Tupperware after hearing the impressive CEO on Cramer.

Impressive story and a P/E of “only” 18.5.

We are in a bubble. You would not believe what the price of apartments on New York’s upper west side are doing. They’re all going for over the seller’s asking price.

 Some day it will burst. But for now, I’m enjoying it.

Things we’ve learned about banking.

1. No one has a long term relationship with bank. No matter how hard you try, your relationship will flounder on the rocks of changed bank policy, changed bank personnel, change in ownership,  etc.

2. You cannot rely on a credit line the bank extends — even if they charge you 3.5% for doing nothing. They will change how they think of you and your crummy business from one business to the next.

3. Banks like collateral. One bank likes leasing equipment to restaurants, because they can easily walk in and reposses the equipment if the restaurant fails, as manmy do.

4. It doesn’t matter who you make the check out to. I wrote Brookstone on a check meant for Brookridge. The bank cashed it.

5. Someone sent me an unsigned check. No problem. The bank cashed it.

6. I sent a friend a postdated check. He banked it long before the date. The bank cashed it.

7. Carefully check every bank and credit card statement you receive. They always have spurious (i.e. illegitimate) charges.

8. Every charge / fee your bank tries to hit you with is negotiable. That includes wiring fees.

Check. Check. Check. I bundled up all my old glasses to send to New Eyes in short Hills, NJ. They arrange glasses for the poor. As UPS was about to take my box of old glasses away, I realized I’d bundled my only good pair of decent glasses. Dumb.

Check. Check. Check.

Kinky Boots is a great Broadway musical. Please see it. I saw it last night and loved it.

P.S. It’s cheaper to buy your tickets at the box office. You’ll often get much better seats.

Deep in the south.
Bob, a young journalism graduate from Arkansas, had gone to work for the New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to Bob and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas.

Deep in the woods, Bob came upon a farmer’s house and decided this would be a good place to start.

He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Dick) agreed to answer his questions.

Bob asked farmer Dick what event in his life had made him the happiest?

Farmer Dick replied, “One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all had sex with it, we took it back to the farmer that lost it.”

“I can’t print that,” said Bob the reporter, “Is there another event that made you really happy?” Farmer Dick thought for a minute and said, “Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin’ young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us had sex with her, we took her back to her daddy.”

Again Bob knew he couldn’t print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer Dick, “Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad?”

Farmer Dick hung his head and replied, “Well, I got lost once.”

Harry Newton who’s becoming increasingly obsessive about strange stairs and strange bathrooms. My friends are in hospital with busted legs, shoulders, ankles and knees because they hurried downstairs or slipped  in a hotel bathroom. Please hold onto rails. Don’t hurry across slippery floors.

Everybody and their uncle are raising money for their shiny new thing. I saw three presentations yesterday. Mostly the ideas are good, the management awful. My clincher, “You’re raising $300,000. That won’t be enough. But it’s not much. Since you say you’re a successful entrepreneur, why don’t you just write a check for the $300,000?”

Answers include:  Divorce, “My partner screwed me.” “I didn’t own enough equity.” ..

You’d think they’d think before they open their mouths… It’s a funny world. I did find one really great idea — at 11:30 PM last night. On the phone to Australia. Technology is a small world. Get your kids to learn software programming.

The weather is great. Please come visit New York. Buy an apartment. Drive up the value of my apartments. Uniqlo’s winter stuff is stunning. Especially for the kids.